Saturday, November 13, 2010

An Early Christmas Story

She sat there looking at the screen of her laptop as she listened to the Christmas songs he was playing on his computer. It seemed odd that the familiar songs that used to bring a smile to her face in the previous days were the same songs that suddenly made her feel queasy. She had a lump in her throat, tears welling up and her heart suddenly hurt.

He looked at her and asked why and all she could say was, "I remember when we were young. We used to be a happy family. We were poor. We didn't have much, but we were happy." Hoping to ease her aching heart, she chose to go back to the very first Christmas they spent together that she could remember. Even then, it was difficult to remember. How could it be difficult when those times should have been treasured, etched in her memory? At that moment, it was just difficult, almost impossible to remember how merry past Christmases as a child had been. She let off a long sigh and continued doing what already has become habit. Check work, check the kids, check, check, check, check.

She had hoped she could shrug this feeling of emptiness throughout the day. She tried. She wanted to remember something remotely happy of a Christmas in her youth that could bring her whatever it was that resembled a smile, but she simply could not. The more she dug deeper, the lump in her throat felt bigger and bigger it was becoming more difficult to speak. Turning away from curious glances of the familiar faces she used to smile at everyday, she walked past them without a word, without a smile, without any emotion. As if every single happy cell in her body had left her, she walked past people staring at them as though they were strangers, not saying a word, nothing... not even a nod. She simply walked by without acknowledging all the other people who seemed happy and all cheery.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry. She felt the sudden urge to get out and be away from everything she felt comfortable with. Everything, everyone seemed to annoy her. The Christmassy atmosphere irritated her. She felt agitated by the good-natured jokes and the banter. She disliked the echoing laughter. She wanted to be invisible just for now, just for today.

By nightfall, not even the familiar faces and warm hugs that used to comfort her did not do their magic. Even after a moment of prayer, she could not feel the cold and heavy curtain lift. She simply felt empty and sad.

Everyone had left later that evening. She snapped at her husband who was simply trying to spark up a conversation. She felt guilty, but she had nothing to say to make him feel better. It was as if everything good and beautiful inside of her simply vanished. She was just glad this day was over.

In the silence of the night, she retraced the events of the day. A good morning hug, a son's excellent grades, the baby girl growing a new tooth. By noon, a hearty brunch with a loving nephew and quality time driving with the hubby. Getting back to the office, people happily decorating their assigned areas, a good and warm talk with the boss with the hope that she was feeling better. By the afternoon, a friend cooking an early dinner for them and then friends who came by to visit and exchange their day's wins... and then that wonderful thought that Christmas this year would be with the parents and a brother who still cared.

She did not need a memory of the past to keep her and make her happy. She had this Christmas to create a memory that will make her happy. Happiness is a choice and just because some people close to home continued to ignore her for one reason or the other, this should not be a reason for her to forget and ignore them too. Though a memory seemed difficult to find for now, it is enough knowing that she has all of their faces in her heart and in her head, smiling at her. Regardless of the reality that they now did not even talk nor recognize their relationship with her, what really matters is her acknowledging that she still has family no matter how far they are, no matter how difficult their relationships may be. Through all the heartaches and through all the pain throughout the years, they were still family and she could never ever change that fact.

There will be another time for them to come together and celebrate. To come together and remember that they were still a family. A spark of hope grew in her heart.

And just like that, she smiled.


Saturday, November 6, 2010

Of letting go and letting God.

I just have to let it out. Otherwise, I'd be as pissed and as bitter as those who choose to be angry and dissatisfied. Well, I choose to vent, say what I feel and then let go.

Surrounded by negativity, do I choose to go with the flow or just embrace the fact that there is a silver lining in the clouds?

A person cannot accept mistake, another who believes that she is better than the rest of the world, and yet another who feels that just because a correction was made makes her or him deprived him or her of his right to do as he or she pleases? These are just a few of what I have read, felt and seen that seems to be attacking me today. It is simply not paranoia, but at one point in my life, I was the person who cannot accept my mistakes, that I believed that I was better than the rest of the world and that when I was corrected, I felt my freedom curtailed. At one point in time, I was all three and yes, I know how it feels to be judged and misjudged.

Letting go did not mean however that I allowed these things to consume me in anger and disturb my own beliefs. In those moments when I felt that I was at the other side of what we believe is right, I felt as though I could do nothing right, that I was not worthy. And yes, it is my right to feel that way, but it is also my right to rise above these feelings and see what is right in front of me.

A mistake allows me to see that I can do better. Being wrong told me that I could be right too, in the right time and with the right purpose. When a correction was made, it was my opportunity to change how I used to do things because my old ways were no longer applicable. But to do this, I had to stand my ground and allow these things to happen so that I could see where I could improve. No one lives by anybody's expectations, but his or her own, but there is nothing wrong and listening to the reasons why what we do now is no longer acceptable.

I have learned through my experience of others that I cannot make them see it my way if I do not allow them to let me see their way. And yes, they may be angry and resentful now, I would too, but my hope is that they see that we are bound by rules that allows us to function in a relationship that takes accountability and responsibility to heart.

I have seen the silver lining in the clouds. I have seen the real colors of those that surround me. I see my color when I am hurt with the hope that they see it too. I am not perfect, no one of us are. When we feel and think that we know all the answers to life's ultimate questions, then what is the point of living? I cannot hope for people when they have lost their own capacity to hope and dream. I cannot love others who cannot love themselves. I cannot show patience for those who cannot stay in one place. I cannot see a future when they only see regret.

My truth may not necessarily be their truth, but by God, I pray they see their truth so they do not live believing that all of life's lessons can be given to them served on a silver platter.

At the end of the day, I live with a clear conscience, I have not judged as they have judged me. I have not set expectations of them as they have made of me. I am what I believe is right and true. I can only only give what I have.

I now let go... I now let God...


Sunday, October 17, 2010

An experience of unconditional love... and fighting off monsters in our head.

She held his left hand while his right hand took chips from the bowl and he put them in her mouth carefully so they wouldn't fall on her lap. He took a napkin and wiped her mouth as she chewed on the chips. She gazed into his eyes as he squeezed her hand asking her if she wanted to get some rest. She didn't say a word, but he knew she wanted to sit down and watch while the strangers talked and laughed with just the look of her eyes. He would laugh with them too and he would tell them stories about where they were and how life had been. She could only gaze at the strangers' faces. She could only listen to them. She wanted to say so much, but did not know how. She simply reached out with her other hand the hand of the other person sitting next to her without really letting go of his hand on the other. She stood up and pulled him with her. She walked towards the kitchen while he followed her there, still hands locked. He led her back to the comfortable sofa where the visitors were and as one of them reached out her hand to her, she held on tightly. He smiled at her, she looked at him. He smiles, pushes back her hair and tells her everything is okay.

For four years, this had been their life. She had never really said anything, except on some instances where she would suddenly blurt out a word or two and then nothing again. Sometimes she would laugh. Sometimes she would smile. Her beautiful face has not aged one bit, but in her mind probably are so many images and thoughts swirling about, so many things to say, she just probably didn't know how to.

That was my experience today. I saw unconditional love. I felt unconditional love.

On our way home, I could not help but say a prayer of gratitude for the things that I have--the ability to speak my mind, the capacity to write about what I feel. I felt the urgency to say "I love you" to my kids and my husband. I said a prayer in my head for the safety and health of my loved ones, my parents and my siblings. I whispered to God, "Lord, please keep me strong and healthy. I know you have plans for me. I know now why you continue to make me feel these feelings, why you lead me to people and why you give me these experiences. Thank you."

I am grateful for what I have and I was inspired to continue on to my dream of inspiring others and remind them that they are excellent and beautiful creations of God, to not waste every bit of skill and talent that was innately given to them to change their lives for the better. Today has inspired me to continue on telling others that we all live for a purpose and reason. Today reminded me that no challenge is given if He knew we could not bear it. Today, I felt how blessed I am to have what I have, to be alive and to be who I am.

Why did such a simple experience compel me to write about it? Simply because, I have always searched for some meaning in what I do today. Why do I keep hoping the world is going to change? Why do I keep believing that love still existed? Simply because I know there is still hope. We can still change. Today was an example of unconditional love.

There is a song that is playing in my head right now, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love..." and yes, all the world needs is more love and less hate. If we could just stopped talking for one bit and listened more, held each other's hand and be contented and grateful with what we already have, then life would be so much simpler and less stressful. We go about asking for things we want to have, we complain so much, we expect others to treat us better. Have we ever stopped and checked ourselves if we really deserve these things we want? Did we really do our our part to make things work? Did we respect others? I borrow a line now from her, these are indeed "Monsters in our Head."

I do know that many of us are still of sane mind and with the rationality and logic, we can ward of these monsters and choose to be better. We can all hope to be better. We can do something about our lives so we can find a solution to all of our problems, to satiate our insatiable hunger for knowledge and to quench our thirst for unconditional love if we knew where to look, if we knew what was important in our lives, if we wanted these things for the perfectly right reasons.

I believe she fights off the monsters in her head with a simple squeeze of his hand, with an assuring look that he will be there for her for as long as he can, to love her unconditionally until they grow old or until she relearns to talk again and function independently. I feel that to finally learn what true love really is, we have just got to look in the right places, be sensitive about what others feel and fight off all the monsters in our head.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

A short story.

(I just thought of sharing this little short story to inspire people. A product of my imagination and my insomnia... some characters and events are fictitious, some lines borrowed from some articles.)

Angie is now 32 years old. She comes from a very wealthy family. Being an only child and an heiress to a 200-acre ranch and a multimillion dollar real estate business, she looks across her office window and realizes that spring was around the corner. The temperature was now less cold, the trees beginning to show tiny outgrowths of green leaves from which the brown and golden ones had fallen off during the autumn and was totally devoid of any sign of life during the winter. “Ah!” she thought, “Life!”

She lets off a long sigh as she wheels herself across the wine bar to help herself to a glass of gin tonic. She looks at her lifeless legs and her motionless feet wearing these beautifully crafted strappy sandals by Stuart Weitzman. They were beautiful, extravagant and fashionable. Angie thought to herself, “I would give everything I have to walk through the park with these.” She gulps the glass of gin and tonic and as she did, she could not help but feel sorry for herself. She had everything in the world—money, power, fame. Tears began to run down her cheeks as she realizes that no amount of money or power or fame would ever make her walk or dance again.

Suddenly, spring seemed like winter once again as she winces as she remembers how she got herself to how and what she is today—a paraplegic and a sociophobic.As a young girl, Angie was fun loving and free spirited, spoiled but not a brat, she loved to dance. At six years old, she had traveled to the seven continents in a private plane that her father owned. At seven, she had watched the best ballerinas in the world in their world premieres. She was in the front row with her mother and father and watched Sylvie Guillem, Alina Cojocaru, Svetlana Zakharova and Alina Somova as they awed their audiences in their ballet performances. It was then that Angie dreamed to become just like them. She herself wanted to be a ballerina—a prima ballerina. And to do that, she had to learn from the best.

Supportive of her dreams, Angie’s parents sought the best ballet teachers in Britain to help her achieve that dream, and at ten, when she was ready she enrolled at the Birmingham Royal Ballet. It was then that she learned to dedicate herself to the art of ballet and as such devoted all of her efforts in becoming the best ballerina in her class. Angie’s parents gave her all the love and the support that she needed. They knew the challenges that lie ahead of Angie—long hours of practice, maintaining her figure, keeping herself healthy and still juggle her time to attend to her academic school.She did excellently with her academics, having been accelerated three times; she had time to study ballet and still would be of the right age to go to college. Unlike others who did not have the luxury of time or the resources to live their passion and still have an excellent education, Angie seemed to have been blessed with both. She had asked permission from her parents that she wanted to finish her high school first, give herself three years in ballet performing her favorite shows and then she would be off to Oxford to study medicine. She wanted to specialize in Pediatrics having seen so many children in the orphanages her father brought her to who needed care and medical attention.

In her heart, she loved the children and would do everything she could to help them, but she loved to dance too. She was all too happy to know that she could do both and she had the time and the money to pursue both her dreams.In her high school valedictory address, she had said, “Life is much like a ballet dance. We gracefully twirl around life’s unexpected twists and turns. And when we bow out, we bow out with pride when we know we have given not only our hands to the people who need our help, but more than that, our hearts. It is in giving our hearts that we understand who we ought to be. When we dance with all our hearts, then we live life to the fullest.” A roaring applause from the audience followed and her parents were very proud of their Angela.Angie’s friends were so proud of her. They loved being around her. Nikki, her best friend tagged along with every trip Angie’s parents and her went to. Nikki to Angie was her sister from another mother.

While many had difficulty balancing such a lifestyle, Angie breezed through ballet school and came out top of her class. True to her word, she gave her heart to every dance, to every performance so much so that she was chosen as lead in the school’s yearly event. In her performance of The Nutcracker, she awed not only the audience, but the ballet critics that were sitting on the front row. In the review that was later published in the London Times, “In the Birmingham Royal Ballet's production, one experiences a sense of deep magic that even extends to the kingdom of the sweets, especially when the kingdom of sweets is presided over by Angela Nishidi as the Sugar Plum Fairy and Rico Chionelli as her Prince.Nishida is the perfect ballerina, truly exuding ownership and radiating a luminous guardianship over her sugary kingdom and even more so over the excellence and beauty of her choreography and music. Graceful, lovely and truly captivating, every nuance of the Grand Pas de Deux with Chionelli, from poignant heartache to crystalline delicacy, is embodied in the exemplary stretch and speed of her dancing. This Sugar Plum Fairy is no tinkling ballet cliche, but a treasure of classical style.”

After this performance, she was becoming a celebrity in her city. She had two more years to be a prima ballerina, after those two years, it will be off to medical school which she was excited about as well. Her popularity grew in the ballet world and soon, she would have her father produce her own version of the Swan Lake. She was very excited. Every muscle in her body wanted to leap out with grace as she practiced day in and day out. She wanted everything graceful, from her dance steps to the music to the scenery—every last detail must be excellent.She did what every ballerina did to prepare herself for such a momentous occasion—practiced harder every day, pushed herself to the limit every single day. She wanted every pirouette, every CoupĂ© jetĂ© en tournan perfect! She wanted everything to be just what she had dreamed this performance to be—just perfect! This was her dream come true. This was what she wanted her whole life. Angie’s parents couldn’t be more proud of her and did everything they could to get media coverage on her very first national performance.As the day of her performance drew near, she grew more and more anxious. She ate less and less. She became very conscious of her figure, how she looked through camera lenses. She became irritable. Every mistake made her angry. Every single bit of crooked curtain line took her out of her focus and they would start all over again. The people around her began to grow weary of her as she steadily lost a good deal of weight. She was gagging herself forcing herself to throw up after a spoonful of food. She only drank water, lots and lots of water.Angie could no longer sleep at night and would spend hours in the dance room of their mansion and just practice. Her parents, worried that she might fall ill because of these habits were more concerned at the change of her attitude. Gone was the amiable, fun loving, passionate Angie that they knew. She would raise her tone of voice now when she was asked why she had skipped a meal. Angie’s father could only silently walk away, praying her daughter was just jittery and nervous.Angie’s mother knew from Angie’s actions and habits that she was bulimic, having gone through the same herself and when she confronted Angie about it, Angie slammed the door at her. Angie’s mother ran to the courtyard crying and praying that Angie would be alright.The day of the performance came. Although her father had insisted on driving her to the theater, Angie vehemently refused and instructed him that she was going to drive herself there. “Go now and prepare my dressing room.” She had commanded her father. Her father could do nothing but oblige.Angie never got to perform what could be the pinnacle of her success as a ballerina, instead, on that same day, over the local channels, her silver BMW wrapper around a tree flashed so many times on TV screens in every household in London. Instead of it being a joyous occasion, this day loomed of sadness and gloom. Every media outfit was in the accident scene.

Angie was rushed to the emergency room. Doctors and nurses performed CPR on her for almost ten minutes and then that first beep of life let out of the machines. No amount of stimulus could rouse her, but the fact that there was beeping on the machines attached to her told everyone that she was still alive.For a year, the incessant beeping of her heart was what you could hear, but a year after her accident, Angie opened her eyes. She could move her hands, but let out a shriek of sorrow when she realized that she could not feel anything from her waist down to the tip of her toes. The doctor told her, she may never walk again. It was a miracle in itself that she woke up from her year-long coma, but to walk again, it was likely another miracle if that were to happen for a C6 Spinal cord injury.She underwent Physical Therapy with the hope that she could walk again, she could dance again. After all, she woke up from her coma! For a year, she went through rigorous therapy, she participated in the strengthening program that was given her. She wanted to be back on her feet and when all the people in her care team saw that she had reached the maximum benefit of her hospitalization and physical therapy, she was discharged to go home.On returning home, everything seemed the same. Her room had been untouched from that day she had left for her performance. Angie’s mother welcomed her with a bouquet of flowers and her father wheeled her in. Her wheelchair was specially designed for her mobility and her needs with buttons that navigated her wherever she wanted to go in the mansion. Everything was just a touch away.Angie asked for the telephone as she had wanted to talk to her best friends. Her mother was reluctant to give her the phone. She told Angie she needed to rest. She had all the time to talk to her friends, not today. She could do it some other day. As she was left in her bedroom, she flicked on the remote and suddenly, her flat screen TV came to life. It was the news. It was something about ballet, what was that? Nikki Constantin? Her best friend. What? She had taken her place! Nikki was the best ballet dancer in the whole of London now! Angie could hear no more! She threw the remote at the TV and she cried.For days after her discharge, Angie never left the confines of her room. She never talked to anybody. She threw things at the people who entered her room so that her meals were taken there when she was actually asleep. She hated being alive and wished silently that she would have died in that car accident a year ago. She never drew her drapes. It was always dark and damp in her room. No one dared to enter her room. She managed to give herself her own medications, changed if she felt the need to, but she was dirty and filthy.

One day, Angie wondered where her father was. She decided to wheel herself out of her fortress. Outside, what she saw shocked her. Her father was lying seemingly lifeless on the front door with her mother cradling his head on her lap. She asked what happened, and in tears, her mother explained that from the time Angie was hospitalized, he had become an alcoholic. He frequented the local bars and would stay there until the wee hours of the morning and came home the same way he did today, too drunk to even walk up to the bedroom.Angie could only cry. She wanted so much to stand up, run to her mother and father and say sorry for causing them so much pain. No one deserved this kind of pain. Not especially her dear parents that had supported her and loved her and gave her everything even when things seemed impossible. She owed her life and her second life not only to the Higher Power that was watching over her, but to her dear, dear parents who stood beside her even when things seemed bleak and hopeless.Angie’s tears stopped as she felt the comfort of the arms of her mother and as she saw her father trying to rouse himself from his stupor, she told herself, “I am going to live again.”


Saturday, September 18, 2010

Your memories live on, Jeff.

While the rest of the world looks forward to the coming of the holidays for this year, many acquaintances and friends mourn the untimely death of a special person, who as far as I knew him loved to live, had the passion to love and the zest to make a difference in the world. Jeffrey Allan Espino is now in the hands of Papa Jesus.

I met Jeff Espino during my short stint as a medical representative through a mutual friend, Brenda. Though there might have been so many instances when I would have been formally introduced to him in the past, (he is a year older than me in the Laboratory School, a fellow Physical Therapist, he was the brother of my counterpart in the company that I used to work for) it was in the time that I needed a friend to talk to about the hustle and bustle of the pharmaceutical world that I met Jeff Espino. I believe, that was the perfect opportunity to have met such an eloquent, fun-loving, hardworking and loving person Jeff is. My life as a medical representative would never be the same had I not met Jeff.

We shared the same liking for having fun while working. He had given me some hints to becoming the best med rep I could ever be. Though we were from different companies, he never saw me as a competitor. He saw me and regarded me as a friend.

After I left that industry, I met Jeff again, him still doing the same work. I was in total wreck, but seeing him again after a couple of years made me feel that if I could have been as passionate as he had been, I might have succeeded in that line of work. But God had other plans for me. God gave me the same passion which I now put in use in the life I have chosen to live. I have no regrets.

To realize now that Jeff and I have so many common friends, I realize now how my meeting him makes my own circle of life complete. That truly, we are all connected by some mysterious and magical scheme of things. I realize now that the pain of one becomes the pain of many. In his untimely passing, I saw and have read many people not only saddened, but hurt because such a lovely kindred soul has left us in such a painful way.

This is my simple way of paying my respect to such a lovely and gentle soul, someone, who without him really knowing taught me how to love the people around me, to respect the people around me, to be grateful for what I have and to love without limit.

Thank you, Jeff and may you rest in peace.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Today is another day...

Something died within me last night as I watched the news. I did not know that there was a crisis going on at the very moment my friends and I were hoping to let this group of people say yes to a project proposal. In their terminology, personal development; in our lingo, children casting starfishes into the ocean.

There was nothing I could do to change what went down in history today, but I can do something about tomorrow. When people think that there is no more hope for a country such as ours, I shrug and say, "Of course not. There still is hope." One step at a time, one tiny fragile starfish at a time back into the ocean.

Today is another day... We can still make a difference. Yesterday's events opened our eyes to the reality of hatred and anger... Let that renew our faith in humanity that for every ounce of hatred, we douse it with liters and liters of love.. For every drop of anger, let's douse it with gallons upon gallons of peace.

Today is another day...


08232010

Ang daming dahilan,
Isa lang naman ang pinatunguhan...

Tama ba?
Ang sagot lang ba ay kamatayan?

Sino ang biktima?
Sino ang nambiktima?

Kailan matatapos ang turuan?
Ilang buhay pa ang kailangan tuldukan?

Ang daming dahilan,
Isa lang naman ang pinatunguhan...

Kamatayan..