She sat there looking at the screen of her laptop as she listened to the Christmas songs he was playing on his computer. It seemed odd that the familiar songs that used to bring a smile to her face in the previous days were the same songs that suddenly made her feel queasy. She had a lump in her throat, tears welling up and her heart suddenly hurt.
He looked at her and asked why and all she could say was, "I remember when we were young. We used to be a happy family. We were poor. We didn't have much, but we were happy." Hoping to ease her aching heart, she chose to go back to the very first Christmas they spent together that she could remember. Even then, it was difficult to remember. How could it be difficult when those times should have been treasured, etched in her memory? At that moment, it was just difficult, almost impossible to remember how merry past Christmases as a child had been. She let off a long sigh and continued doing what already has become habit. Check work, check the kids, check, check, check, check.
She had hoped she could shrug this feeling of emptiness throughout the day. She tried. She wanted to remember something remotely happy of a Christmas in her youth that could bring her whatever it was that resembled a smile, but she simply could not. The more she dug deeper, the lump in her throat felt bigger and bigger it was becoming more difficult to speak. Turning away from curious glances of the familiar faces she used to smile at everyday, she walked past them without a word, without a smile, without any emotion. As if every single happy cell in her body had left her, she walked past people staring at them as though they were strangers, not saying a word, nothing... not even a nod. She simply walked by without acknowledging all the other people who seemed happy and all cheery.
She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry. She felt the sudden urge to get out and be away from everything she felt comfortable with. Everything, everyone seemed to annoy her. The Christmassy atmosphere irritated her. She felt agitated by the good-natured jokes and the banter. She disliked the echoing laughter. She wanted to be invisible just for now, just for today.
By nightfall, not even the familiar faces and warm hugs that used to comfort her did not do their magic. Even after a moment of prayer, she could not feel the cold and heavy curtain lift. She simply felt empty and sad.
Everyone had left later that evening. She snapped at her husband who was simply trying to spark up a conversation. She felt guilty, but she had nothing to say to make him feel better. It was as if everything good and beautiful inside of her simply vanished. She was just glad this day was over.
In the silence of the night, she retraced the events of the day. A good morning hug, a son's excellent grades, the baby girl growing a new tooth. By noon, a hearty brunch with a loving nephew and quality time driving with the hubby. Getting back to the office, people happily decorating their assigned areas, a good and warm talk with the boss with the hope that she was feeling better. By the afternoon, a friend cooking an early dinner for them and then friends who came by to visit and exchange their day's wins... and then that wonderful thought that Christmas this year would be with the parents and a brother who still cared.
She did not need a memory of the past to keep her and make her happy. She had this Christmas to create a memory that will make her happy. Happiness is a choice and just because some people close to home continued to ignore her for one reason or the other, this should not be a reason for her to forget and ignore them too. Though a memory seemed difficult to find for now, it is enough knowing that she has all of their faces in her heart and in her head, smiling at her. Regardless of the reality that they now did not even talk nor recognize their relationship with her, what really matters is her acknowledging that she still has family no matter how far they are, no matter how difficult their relationships may be. Through all the heartaches and through all the pain throughout the years, they were still family and she could never ever change that fact.
There will be another time for them to come together and celebrate. To come together and remember that they were still a family. A spark of hope grew in her heart.
And just like that, she smiled.
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