My Little Warrior...

For this week, barely it being over has been a test of compassion and patience.

When you are a parent like me, you will do the impossible to shelter your children from the hurt and disappointment and yet, you become witness to the same hurt and disappointment you have avoided them to experience.

The funny thing is, I have learned and continue to learn from my children's wisdom.

Just as I was feeling overly bitter from the callousness of adults and their utter disregard for the efforts of the last few weeks, my daughter prances and dances around wearing her sash and repeatedly says, "This is the best day ever."

Her brothers and sisters including me, her papa and her Mama Pooh watch her celebrate her success. After all, all the attention in the house was with her for the last couple of weeks. She knew her clothes were lovingly prepared, every inch of it, every stitch of it.

She knew her talent was a celebration of what her heart is filled with the most and she knew, she was doing this because she wanted to make us proud and most especially to praise God and make Him proud.

When asked what she would like to be in the future, she said she wanted to be a zoo keeper. Not a lot of people understand why, but we do.

At five, she had helped her Papa take care of puppies when our Basset hound gave birth to seven puppies she named one by one. She has cried over her first kitten Angela when we came home one afternoon and finding the cat was let out and the dogs unfortunately played with it and unintentionally killed it.

Only we know how she has named the brown birds Stephanie and says hi to each brown bird each time she sees them in the backyard like a familiar friend. Only we know she has a cat named Ginger and a dog she calls Snorkel. She hugs Ginger every chance she gets even though we have told her countless times no because of her asthma. She worries about our dogs when it rains. She has chicken, ducks, geese and turkeys in our little parcel of land in La Union and even has her own little bahay kubo.

I guess, that says a lot why she wants to be a zoo keeper someday.

Oh did I mention she loves ponies?

My heart broke yesterday, but she managed to pick up the pieces and made it whole again. I have higher respect for her now. At seven, she taught me, the show must go on no matter what, no matter who stands in the way between my dreams and me, I have to keep pushing on and not have to listen to what others have to say about me. They don't know me. They have not worn my shoes nor walked the road I have walked and continue to walk.

She taught me to have fun again and to be grateful for everyone who is part of my life and those who choose to be part of it up until today.

I feel that we are raising a good child, a good daughter. She appreciates her gifts.

I am grateful for life's little disappointments. They make me see that there truly is a rainbow after the rain.

Someday, she will fight her own battles, but I am not scared for her anymore. Her optimism will shine through. Her courage will keep her from quitting, she will continue moving forward. She is, named after the goddess of war after all.

And of course, I will be beside her all the time, her whole family will be behind her all the way.

Sometimes, I feel I am not allowed to say what I feel, give my opinion or shout out what I need to shout out. Maybe it is because I am so scared now of being judged as I have been in the not so remote past. I have downsized my friends list leaving only family and close friends, and yet, I feel so stigmatized by what has happened to me that even choosing to write this now makes me a little scared that I might be judged and called names again.

I never said I was perfect. I never said I did everything right. But in the length of the time that I shared my life, in the end, I was betrayed, called names and accused.

It is sad.

Too many people I trusted blindly because I had assumed that because of the so called personality development seminars I have heard and seen them go through, they would have embraced the NO JONES attitude, and yet, here I am unsure anymore who to trust and who to run to just for anything.

My heart breaks now each time I go back to where I have been and realize how I have been had, how my vulnerability was taken advantaged of. I sometimes now say to myself, I am going to be more ruthless. I am going to... I have to.

Today, my life begins..... again.

The same time last year, I vowed to myself, I was not going to stay on another year with a job that did not allow me to be who I really want to be.  About the same time last year, I promised myself that I would break free from the four walls of an office that imprisoned the very core of my being and give every ounce of my energy to finding myself once again.

Two weeks ago, I finally mustered enough courage and said, "Enough is enough."  And so just like that, I quit. I walked away and have not looked back ever since.

Quitting that job that has kept me prisoner for eight years has been one of the best decisions I have ever made.  (First best decision of course was saying yes to getting married to my best friend.)  As one close friend told me, it was indeed a true choice.

So two weeks have passed and I am ready now to face my life again.

Two weeks was enough time for me to wallow in pain at how people judged me, denied me, used me and abused me.  That was enough time for me to see through the many people who said they would help me out in my time of need.

The last two weeks of my silence has made me see through the blanket of doubt that surrounded me.  Who could I trust?  Who could I turn to?

I faced myself in the mirror and saw only me, and then my husband, and then my family, my children and finally, a soft rain in the early morning told me, there was my God.

Two weeks was enough for me to practice dying.  The corporate me has died and I rise again as that person who God has always wanted me to be - a simple, fun-loving and free-spirited me that enjoy the simple things in life.  The child He gave life to so that I can inspire, love and care for those that really matter the most.

Two weeks was enough time for me to bury all the anger, all the pain and all the hurt that was only caused by me and my choices.

Today, my life begins again.

I so know that the doors of opportunity have opened up again.

I choose now to keep my life on track with God.  I choose to enjoy the bliss of the simple things that make me smile and laugh.  I choose to be grateful at this nth chance to be better, to do better.

Today, my now, I choose to move forward, one step at a time.

I have fallen and today,  I rise again.

Looking back, but moving forward.

There are so many people I miss right now and so many things I miss doing... It doesn't mean though that I regret anything.  I'm just nostalgic.

There are things to look forward too... So many possibilities, infinite bounties and endless opportunities... 

Maybe this is what it means to take that leap of faith... I am taking that leap into the unknown with faith that there is something out there I still need to feel, to experience, to taste, to take hold of.  

I guess I miss the people I so miss right now because I want to take every memory of them with me, just because I can never be who I am today if I had not met them and had shared a piece of me with them in the past.  I guess I miss doing the things I used to do now because I know I can do them again when I choose to when I get to that dream I am starting to work on.

There are times when one needs to say, enough is enough.  When the only way for others to see who I was is to see what I can be and what I will be.  It does not mean I gave up on them, it just means I do not want to give up on me, my life, my dreams and what makes me happy.

Walking away does not mean I do not care, it just means, I do not have to lose myself in all of the complexities of other people's lives, mine is already complex and challenging.  I can't carry another person's burden, I can only carry mine.  That is my choice and that is not being selfish.

I am glad though that I feel what I feel today.  Someday, it might hit me again and I will always remember that I am never going to be the same person again.  Nostalgic perhaps, but just like today, just grateful that I still can choose who I want to be according to my own terms.

Papa's Little Girl.

He scooped me in his arms and he took out his slippers. He put me on his lap and slapped the slippers on my bottom. In his booming voice, he said, "Don't ever go out of the house without my permission." And then after that, he lifted me up and hugged me tight. I was crying and squirming from him. But he did not let me go. When I looked at his face after I had calmed down. I saw tears running down his face. I was 9 years old.

6:45 in the morning, he called to me to ask if I was ready for school. I told him, I was okay. He handed me my daily allowance with a little extra and whispered to me, "Don't tell your mama I gave you extra." I smiled at him and nodded to him yes. As we sat in the jeep, I saw a classmate waiting for a ride and as the jeep stopped, I took out my hand from my Papa's hand and I started rummaging through my book bag as if I was looking for something. My classmate sat next to me and greeted me hi. My papa looked at this boy and nudged me. I smiled back at my papa. As the jeep pulled over to where my school was, my papa gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and reminded me to be home by 5. I said yes. As we got off the jeep, he waved and I started walking towards school with my classmate. He said, "You're a papa's girl," and started laughing. I walked on. I was 14.

One night, he came to my room. I had just wiped my tears out of my face after a dreaded phone call. He stood at my door and looked at me, took two steps to where I was sitted and hugged me. He said, "If you're pregnant, you'll have to choose to either continue school if you still can or stop for a while and then after you give birth, you can continue to go to school and graduate. Mama and I will take care of the baby while you continue on." I could not speak. He knew right away what was my challenge at that time. I simply hugged him and with a straight face, I said to him, "I won't stop going to school. I will finish on time. I will make you proud, Papa." I was 21.

Don was waiting in front of the altar. I was dressed in my off white wedding gown. My mom on my left side clutching on to my arms. He was on my right. I held his hand. It was cold and shaking. I took a look at his face as the bridal march started to play. I looked at him and saw his eyes welling with tears. I pulled both of them closer to me as we started to walk down the church aisle. I was 29.

Papa Lakay as we fondly call him has always been there for me. He has always encouraged me to always be my best and hugged me close to him when I failed. He has taken cared of my son while I was out in school and eventually, until I graduated and found work. He was always ready to come to my rescue when I found myself in compromising situations even when I was already an adult.

I feel blessed to have my dad be there for me during the most important times of my life. Up until now, he always gives me his two-cent's worth of advice. I still ask him for his thoughts when I make certain decisions and his suggestions has never failed me. We have had disagreements in the past, sometimes to the point where he would burst out in anger because of my reasons, but in the end, he would understand my decisions and still accept them. He would always make a way for everything to be alright.

I have seen how my Papa loved us and especially how he has taken cared of my Mama. Regardless of my complaints at the things he might not have done or what he might have said in the past, I have realized that he did not fail in raising me as a daughter. Part of who I am, I give credit to my Papa. I am who I am because of what I was taught by him. I learned from him integrity. I learned from him responsibility. I learned from him love. I learned from him compassion. Papa also took risks for me and made choices, some of them may not be in the approval of others, but always, he thought for as long as it was better for me, then he would go ahead and defy what others thought and do what was best.

I believe in God as my Heavenly Father and the reason I know He exists is because He is in the person of my Papa.

I love you, Papa. Happy Father's Day.

You never really know what you've got until you lose it.

She chooses to remain firm on her decision to cut off all communication with the people she used to call family and friends. She insists on saying that she does not owe anyone for the success she has in life, for the wealth that she possesses and for the social class of society she belongs to today. She has chosen to turn her back on her past believing that her past did not contribute to who she is today. She lives on her own rules, her principles and her truths. She is who she is because of what she has done for herself. It was her choice, it was always her choice.

She is powerful. She is intelligent. She has everything material. She has everything she could possibly want -- all the glitter, all the gold... everything. She said to herself, "These are mine because I chose to live according to my terms. These are mine and no one can ever take them away from me. I am happy. I am complete."

Now, as she takes a leisurely walk in the park, she is awed by the beautiful sunset. Everything around her seems so perfect. The flowers were now in full bloom. Spring was here. Children were running around and laughing, couples on picnic tables were chatting, while many just like her were happy idly sitting down on park benches seemingly to just pass the time until it was time to go home.

She sat down on one of the empty benches. She looked at her watch and realized it was almost time to go. She took another deep breath and decided, another ten minutes. But she grew impatient, and just as soon as she saw a couple of people started packing their things. She stood up and headed towards the busy street.

Walking home, she realized she needed a few things from the convenience store. Milk for tomorrow, coffee, some muffins for breakfast, soap and detergent. She needed to do some washing in the morning to prepare for Monday's work. She could not help but overhear a young family behind her in the counter as she paid her bill. The dad was talking to the mom about the baby's needs. The cute little baby was happily playing with a tissue roll in the cart that contained a few items, some cereal and some fruit. The eldest's son school fees was due in the next two weeks. a daughter was still in the hospital, late diagnosis of leukemia. She did not have much time. On hearing this, she frowned. Poor family, she thought. Some people just can't have it all. She smiled to herself. "I'm glad I'm not in their shoes," she muttered to herself. She snapped at the cashier for taking so much time in checking out her credit card. The poor girl, frightened, hands shaking handed her the card and told her it was okay. She flashed dagger looks and stormed off. How incompetent, she thought.

As she opened the door to her posh apartment. She started calling out names. First her husband's name, then her son's name and finally, her daughter's name. There was silence. She called out again. Still, there was no answer. And in that moment, it hit her. As she rushed into their bedroom, she saw the closet doors wide open, no more contents. Everything was gone. She ran to her children's bedroom and everything was gone, even the toys she had given them for Christmas.

And then she remembered...

That morning, her husband and her were arguing about bank accounts being closed out without her knowledge. And then the litany of what she had done for them, for everything that she had provided for them. She started throwing things at him. She hit her with a coffee mug. He was bleeding and then he said it, "I am going to leave you. I am taking the kids with me. You never have time for us anymore." The children looked at her and with tears in their eyes, frightened from what they had seen and heard, ran to their father and both of them held on to him so tight. And then, in anger, she cried out, "Then leave. You will never get anything from me. Everything is mine. You can take the children. I do not care. You walk out that door, don't you ever come back." And then, she stormed off the apartment and decided to take a walk.

She had everything, but now, she has nothing.

Be...

There is a verse in the Bible that I have learned to tell myself when I find myself in the middle of so much chaos, too much noise, too much uncertainty and doubt. When I first heard it from a friend, I thought, I'm going to try it soon. Soon indeed happened today.

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." At first read, I thought it was just a sentence that exalts God and recognizing Him as my Higher Power. I realized that there was more to it than that.

Counting from one to ten when I got so irritated today, I started thinking about it and started saying it over and over and then from the end, I started taking one word out from the sentence, at a time. As if in a trance, I found myself more relaxed, more at ease and less stressed.

Be still and know that I am God...

Be still and know that I am...

Be still and know that I...

Be still and know that...

Be still and know...

Be still and...

Be still...

Be...

I realized after that that there was so much that had accomplished saying this to myself until I was calm and ready to face another set of challenge that will come my way. I was able to exalt my God, my Lord, my Father. I put myself in a very quiet place and saw the things that can change my disposition from frustrated to hopeful, from sad to happy, from wanting to contented. I felt that I could accomplish things. I felt the peace of mind I so deign in a noisy world such as ours and then finally, I saw and I felt that I can do things for as long as I put my heart and my soul into it.

Some days, I know I will still get angry and frustrated, but at least now, I know how to shoo away anger and start being hopeful again... at least just so I can get moving again. There are other ways of moving out from a space of stress and intense emotions and this is just one of them. A prayer, words that soothe and calm you down, a reminder to one's self of his or her worth, and telling yourself you can do it whatever it is that you put your mind into -- what else can go wrong?