Papa's Little Girl.

He scooped me in his arms and he took out his slippers. He put me on his lap and slapped the slippers on my bottom. In his booming voice, he said, "Don't ever go out of the house without my permission." And then after that, he lifted me up and hugged me tight. I was crying and squirming from him. But he did not let me go. When I looked at his face after I had calmed down. I saw tears running down his face. I was 9 years old.

6:45 in the morning, he called to me to ask if I was ready for school. I told him, I was okay. He handed me my daily allowance with a little extra and whispered to me, "Don't tell your mama I gave you extra." I smiled at him and nodded to him yes. As we sat in the jeep, I saw a classmate waiting for a ride and as the jeep stopped, I took out my hand from my Papa's hand and I started rummaging through my book bag as if I was looking for something. My classmate sat next to me and greeted me hi. My papa looked at this boy and nudged me. I smiled back at my papa. As the jeep pulled over to where my school was, my papa gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and reminded me to be home by 5. I said yes. As we got off the jeep, he waved and I started walking towards school with my classmate. He said, "You're a papa's girl," and started laughing. I walked on. I was 14.

One night, he came to my room. I had just wiped my tears out of my face after a dreaded phone call. He stood at my door and looked at me, took two steps to where I was sitted and hugged me. He said, "If you're pregnant, you'll have to choose to either continue school if you still can or stop for a while and then after you give birth, you can continue to go to school and graduate. Mama and I will take care of the baby while you continue on." I could not speak. He knew right away what was my challenge at that time. I simply hugged him and with a straight face, I said to him, "I won't stop going to school. I will finish on time. I will make you proud, Papa." I was 21.

Don was waiting in front of the altar. I was dressed in my off white wedding gown. My mom on my left side clutching on to my arms. He was on my right. I held his hand. It was cold and shaking. I took a look at his face as the bridal march started to play. I looked at him and saw his eyes welling with tears. I pulled both of them closer to me as we started to walk down the church aisle. I was 29.

Papa Lakay as we fondly call him has always been there for me. He has always encouraged me to always be my best and hugged me close to him when I failed. He has taken cared of my son while I was out in school and eventually, until I graduated and found work. He was always ready to come to my rescue when I found myself in compromising situations even when I was already an adult.

I feel blessed to have my dad be there for me during the most important times of my life. Up until now, he always gives me his two-cent's worth of advice. I still ask him for his thoughts when I make certain decisions and his suggestions has never failed me. We have had disagreements in the past, sometimes to the point where he would burst out in anger because of my reasons, but in the end, he would understand my decisions and still accept them. He would always make a way for everything to be alright.

I have seen how my Papa loved us and especially how he has taken cared of my Mama. Regardless of my complaints at the things he might not have done or what he might have said in the past, I have realized that he did not fail in raising me as a daughter. Part of who I am, I give credit to my Papa. I am who I am because of what I was taught by him. I learned from him integrity. I learned from him responsibility. I learned from him love. I learned from him compassion. Papa also took risks for me and made choices, some of them may not be in the approval of others, but always, he thought for as long as it was better for me, then he would go ahead and defy what others thought and do what was best.

I believe in God as my Heavenly Father and the reason I know He exists is because He is in the person of my Papa.

I love you, Papa. Happy Father's Day.

You never really know what you've got until you lose it.

She chooses to remain firm on her decision to cut off all communication with the people she used to call family and friends. She insists on saying that she does not owe anyone for the success she has in life, for the wealth that she possesses and for the social class of society she belongs to today. She has chosen to turn her back on her past believing that her past did not contribute to who she is today. She lives on her own rules, her principles and her truths. She is who she is because of what she has done for herself. It was her choice, it was always her choice.

She is powerful. She is intelligent. She has everything material. She has everything she could possibly want -- all the glitter, all the gold... everything. She said to herself, "These are mine because I chose to live according to my terms. These are mine and no one can ever take them away from me. I am happy. I am complete."

Now, as she takes a leisurely walk in the park, she is awed by the beautiful sunset. Everything around her seems so perfect. The flowers were now in full bloom. Spring was here. Children were running around and laughing, couples on picnic tables were chatting, while many just like her were happy idly sitting down on park benches seemingly to just pass the time until it was time to go home.

She sat down on one of the empty benches. She looked at her watch and realized it was almost time to go. She took another deep breath and decided, another ten minutes. But she grew impatient, and just as soon as she saw a couple of people started packing their things. She stood up and headed towards the busy street.

Walking home, she realized she needed a few things from the convenience store. Milk for tomorrow, coffee, some muffins for breakfast, soap and detergent. She needed to do some washing in the morning to prepare for Monday's work. She could not help but overhear a young family behind her in the counter as she paid her bill. The dad was talking to the mom about the baby's needs. The cute little baby was happily playing with a tissue roll in the cart that contained a few items, some cereal and some fruit. The eldest's son school fees was due in the next two weeks. a daughter was still in the hospital, late diagnosis of leukemia. She did not have much time. On hearing this, she frowned. Poor family, she thought. Some people just can't have it all. She smiled to herself. "I'm glad I'm not in their shoes," she muttered to herself. She snapped at the cashier for taking so much time in checking out her credit card. The poor girl, frightened, hands shaking handed her the card and told her it was okay. She flashed dagger looks and stormed off. How incompetent, she thought.

As she opened the door to her posh apartment. She started calling out names. First her husband's name, then her son's name and finally, her daughter's name. There was silence. She called out again. Still, there was no answer. And in that moment, it hit her. As she rushed into their bedroom, she saw the closet doors wide open, no more contents. Everything was gone. She ran to her children's bedroom and everything was gone, even the toys she had given them for Christmas.

And then she remembered...

That morning, her husband and her were arguing about bank accounts being closed out without her knowledge. And then the litany of what she had done for them, for everything that she had provided for them. She started throwing things at him. She hit her with a coffee mug. He was bleeding and then he said it, "I am going to leave you. I am taking the kids with me. You never have time for us anymore." The children looked at her and with tears in their eyes, frightened from what they had seen and heard, ran to their father and both of them held on to him so tight. And then, in anger, she cried out, "Then leave. You will never get anything from me. Everything is mine. You can take the children. I do not care. You walk out that door, don't you ever come back." And then, she stormed off the apartment and decided to take a walk.

She had everything, but now, she has nothing.

Be...

There is a verse in the Bible that I have learned to tell myself when I find myself in the middle of so much chaos, too much noise, too much uncertainty and doubt. When I first heard it from a friend, I thought, I'm going to try it soon. Soon indeed happened today.

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." At first read, I thought it was just a sentence that exalts God and recognizing Him as my Higher Power. I realized that there was more to it than that.

Counting from one to ten when I got so irritated today, I started thinking about it and started saying it over and over and then from the end, I started taking one word out from the sentence, at a time. As if in a trance, I found myself more relaxed, more at ease and less stressed.

Be still and know that I am God...

Be still and know that I am...

Be still and know that I...

Be still and know that...

Be still and know...

Be still and...

Be still...

Be...

I realized after that that there was so much that had accomplished saying this to myself until I was calm and ready to face another set of challenge that will come my way. I was able to exalt my God, my Lord, my Father. I put myself in a very quiet place and saw the things that can change my disposition from frustrated to hopeful, from sad to happy, from wanting to contented. I felt that I could accomplish things. I felt the peace of mind I so deign in a noisy world such as ours and then finally, I saw and I felt that I can do things for as long as I put my heart and my soul into it.

Some days, I know I will still get angry and frustrated, but at least now, I know how to shoo away anger and start being hopeful again... at least just so I can get moving again. There are other ways of moving out from a space of stress and intense emotions and this is just one of them. A prayer, words that soothe and calm you down, a reminder to one's self of his or her worth, and telling yourself you can do it whatever it is that you put your mind into -- what else can go wrong?

practicing forgiveness...

Every day, I go through situations that test my patience. I meet people who raise their eyebrows when they listen to my ideals and my principles. I experience people who insist on what they want without compromise and who believe that they are always better than me. I have, however, learned that we were all made different and as such, I cannot insist on what I want as well. I can only express how I feel and how I want things done, but at the end of each day, it's all about listening what can work better and what will work best.

At each time, I remember what I have heard so many times from people, who just like me, want to make life work 100% and that is to negotiate, to shift and to have no judgments, opinions and expectations of others; that there are things that happen that I have no control of and that I can only control what I feel and how I may react. It may sound like I am a martyr, but it is in choosing to control my own emotions and feelings that I am able to reach out and communicate when I need to negotiate with people who may be hard and difficult, closed-minded and angry with pride.

I practice the art of forgiveness in whatever way I can. I believe that all of us were created to be great, to be excellent and that we all have purpose. Every single person that we meet, though they may test our patience, our understanding and our capacity to forgive, we come across each of these so that we may learn what living is all about. We go through hurdles everyday, but it is up to us to choose to see what is beautiful and what is wonderful. To see behind the dark clouds of despair, frustration and doubt is a feat, but it can be done, to me, to go through life, it must be done.

Practicing forgiveness is not just about our relationship with other people. More importantly, it is forgiving ourselves for choices that we make at the end of every day. For whatever we think, say and do, we are responsible for these that we create. Practicing forgiveness is about doing everything humanly possible so that we can accept ourselves and in this acceptance of who we are, we learn to accept others for what they are and what they believe in.

We get hurt, we cry in pain, we writhe in frustration and desperation, but yet, when all tears have been shed, our lives must go on. We must move forward with dignity, integrity and commitment to what matters and what is important.

To practice forgiveness, we must begin with ourselves, only then can we move forward.

Thanksgiving - Filipino style.

In the last week, her values were questioned, her intentions mocked, her dignity lambasted publicly. She did not retaliate, instead she remained still.

Humbled by this experience, she prays and blesses those who consider her as a nemesis. Amidst all the stones cast her way, she prays for their peace as she has found hers. She feels for those who consider her as an adversary. She knows that they deserve something good in their lives too. Maybe these people were bitter because life had been bitter to them. It was their choice to feel that way, but maybe someday, something would remind them that life only treats them harshly because they treat life unfairly too.

The law of karma - what comes around, goes around. All faiths believe that what you give, you shall receive. You do unto others what others want them to do unto you. What you sow, you shall reap.

She was insulted. They feasted around her choice to be quiet despite their mocking and insinuations that she had forgotten where she had come from. But she realized that her decision to stay mum and not retaliate was the best decision she had made. Reality is, there will be people who will never understand her. There will be those who will throw accusations at her. Reality is, there will always be people who share different ideas with her. Reality is, everyone goes through the same challenge everyday of their lives. Reality is, even her detractors feel the same way at certain moments of their lives. Reality is, she was not put on this earth to live up to other's expectations, she only had to live up to her own and live life according to how God wanted her to live it.

This all came around when all of the Western world celebrates their Thanksgiving.

Filipinos don't necessarily celebrate it as elaborately as the other part of the world does, but one thing is for sure, she knows that today too is a moment of thanksgiving. And indeed a time to be grateful. She believes that that is what it truly means, to be thankful, to live a life with an attitude of gratitude. Today was a day to look back at the bounty, the blessings and the wonderful life God has given each one of us to live. No matter where you are, no matter what race, no matter what color, today is truly a time to celebrate God's goodness and compassion.

She realizes that though her reality allows her to interact with people in that part of the world, this does not make her any less of the person she was born. Regardless of continents, the same color of blood runs through her veins with those of the people she chooses to work with be it in some other part of Asia or in the United States. It does not make her less of a person, in fact it makes her more human. She realizes now that this was a God-given opportunity to choose to be humane as every creation of God needs to get along, to work together for a better world for everyone.

Thanksgiving day for her, Filipino style meant living a life with an attitude of gratitude, thanksgiving - giving thanks, and unlike the Western world that celebrates it for a day, she celebrates it everyday. Her every win and triumph is a testimony of God's hand working in her life, her every failure is a lesson she must learn. Thankful for all of what has been and what will be, she gives thanks with a prayer.

"Dear God,

We all make mistakes. Thank you for your overflowing love and forgiveness. As I face another chapter of my life, please guide me. I can only live my life according to how you want me to. Make use of my gifts, my talents and my skills so I may become who you have intended me to become. Amen."

One small victory, one day at a time...

So the judgment has been passed. I have lost my cause. I wave the white flag in defeat.

Isn't it ironic how I go through life believing that I am a celebration of God's love. As I have learned, just because I have declared it does not necessarily mean that God wants me to celebrate, He is throwing at me ways in which I find celebration in and that's what I must do. I will not allow other people to dictate how I should feel, I will choose how I should feel.

I do not need people reassuring me that I am right. I feel in my heart, I am. I do not need people surrounding me and glorifying me or sympathizing or empathizing with what I feel. At the end of the day, it's going to be me who will go through how I have lived the life I was entrusted to live. The number of friends surrounding me and rooting for me is not as important as me cheering on for myself that I can take on whatever life offers me. The number of friends who believe me are but relationships that were given to me know that I am not alone, but their truths will never be the same as mine as they go through their own personal battles. I go through my own with faith in my heart that I can survive my challenges as they will for as long as the intentions are true and genuine.

I will not look for proof to make people see that I am right, I can only have my own truths and my own values to stand up for. The proof is right before my eyes, I have myself and my integrity, I can say, I will win one small victory one day at a time.

Given the choice to hate, I choose to love from a distance. I choose to be humbled by a loss, but with a lesson learned. Another minute wasted on despair is another missed opportunity to be great. I choose to be great. I choose to live my life with dignity and with integrity. I know my truths, I stand on my values. I care about who I am and what I stand for to see that resentment can only hurt me more than it will hurt those who continue to torment me. I am responsible with what I do to my own life and I choose to bless those who continue to point blaming fingers at me. I love the life I live and I choose to celebrate my life with love and the anticipation of another battle won tomorrow. God knows what is best for me and I allow Him to take me by the hand to show me what I must learn. I know that learning entails me being hurt, shedding a tear or two and accepting my own mistakes, but I choose not to despair because it is my birth right to be happy and successful.

The judgment has been passed. I have lost my cause. I wave the white flag in defeat for now as I see another opportunity to learn and stand up again. I see myself taking one small step at a time. I see myself standing up again with integrity and with dignity. I see myself winning one small victory at a time. I see myself alive and forgiving.

The judgement has been passed. I have lost my cause, but every defeat is an opportunity to rise again. In my case, my battle was not won in blood shed, I am still alive. My ego hurt, my heart bleeding. But I can heal myself. I can move on again and I choose to do that today, right at this very moment.

The judgement has been passed. It was human judgment. But God is the ultimate Judge. In the eyes of man, I caused much pain. In the laws of man, I have hurt others. But God is not blind, God is not deaf. God knows better and I know that the ultimate judgement will still be passed, not today, not right now.

The judgement is God's to pass.

The judgement is still to come.

Today, I have won my own personal battle. Today, I realized I was unfair to myself for believing myself weak and to be blamed. Today, I win against my own self in a battle that allowed me to feel this pain and this hurt. I choose not to be hurt. I choose not to inflict myself of any more pain. I choose to love. I choose to be happy.

This is my victory today.

What are you willing to lose for a hundred thousand pesos?

She sat dumbfounded as she read the text message that said, "The ruling is in their favor. They are going to be awarded at least a hundred thousand each."

Instead of being angry, she suddenly felt this sadness, not for herself but to that person who now may just be celebrating her victory. In today's time, a hundred thousand meant a second-hand model car or even a down payment for a house. She must really be celebrating now!

In her head, a voice told her, maybe she deserves it. Maybe she needs it.

Walking with leaden feet, what would normally take her five minutes to walk seemed like forever. The road seemed like a labyrinth. She just simply felt lost, but being lost gave her some sense of comfort. It was as if every stranger that looked at her offered more warmth and understanding. She did not feel ignored even though she was walking among throngs of nameless faces she has never seen all her life. But the mere presence of these people walking past her, giving her a nod or just looking at her warmed her and made her realize, she was not alone.

Her heart wondered why she could no longer cry, why she kept saying to herself, "I no longer want to be angry." No tears, not a single tear. She kept repeating to herself, "Is this all worth it for her? Why am I feeling sorry for her when in fact, I had all the reason to be mad and cry out vengeance?"

At the end of what seemed to be an endless walk, she stopped and saw the person who was holding her hand. He had been there all along too. While strangers comforted her, he was there cradling her because he knew her pain. This lifted her spirits. She knew she would see more signs that God had not forsaken her. That her cause did not die in vain.

What is a family's worth? Is the hundred thousand worth losing a sister, a brother, a father and a mother and other relationships? Is the hundred thousand worth it to say that you are right? Is the hundred thousand worth convincing yourself that you were disowned? Was the hundred thousand enough to compensate for a family that is now broken?

They say, the easiest way to understand your adversary is to stand in his or her shoes and not a moment too soon, she realized it was a pair of shoes she did not want to be in. She could easily give that hundred thousand to her for as long as she could keep her life the way it is--a loving family, intelligent kids who listened, an extended family that cared and more importantly, she still had in herself her integrity. She still has in her heart love to give. She still had in her heart comfort to offer those who sought it. That is priceless. She may have to give away that hundred thousand to her but with the hope that she might be able to use it to buy her own happiness.

As for her, she knew her happiness can never be equated with any amount of money in the world.

Her memories of her now will only be fond memories. She will forget all of these hurt and all of these sadness that she has brought upon her for more than a year now. She has said what needed to be said, did what needed to be done. She has forgiven her.

To lose your relationships for a hundred thousand, is it all worth it?

She could only pray for her now. May it be enough for her to buy her happiness.