Thanksgiving - Filipino style.

In the last week, her values were questioned, her intentions mocked, her dignity lambasted publicly. She did not retaliate, instead she remained still.

Humbled by this experience, she prays and blesses those who consider her as a nemesis. Amidst all the stones cast her way, she prays for their peace as she has found hers. She feels for those who consider her as an adversary. She knows that they deserve something good in their lives too. Maybe these people were bitter because life had been bitter to them. It was their choice to feel that way, but maybe someday, something would remind them that life only treats them harshly because they treat life unfairly too.

The law of karma - what comes around, goes around. All faiths believe that what you give, you shall receive. You do unto others what others want them to do unto you. What you sow, you shall reap.

She was insulted. They feasted around her choice to be quiet despite their mocking and insinuations that she had forgotten where she had come from. But she realized that her decision to stay mum and not retaliate was the best decision she had made. Reality is, there will be people who will never understand her. There will be those who will throw accusations at her. Reality is, there will always be people who share different ideas with her. Reality is, everyone goes through the same challenge everyday of their lives. Reality is, even her detractors feel the same way at certain moments of their lives. Reality is, she was not put on this earth to live up to other's expectations, she only had to live up to her own and live life according to how God wanted her to live it.

This all came around when all of the Western world celebrates their Thanksgiving.

Filipinos don't necessarily celebrate it as elaborately as the other part of the world does, but one thing is for sure, she knows that today too is a moment of thanksgiving. And indeed a time to be grateful. She believes that that is what it truly means, to be thankful, to live a life with an attitude of gratitude. Today was a day to look back at the bounty, the blessings and the wonderful life God has given each one of us to live. No matter where you are, no matter what race, no matter what color, today is truly a time to celebrate God's goodness and compassion.

She realizes that though her reality allows her to interact with people in that part of the world, this does not make her any less of the person she was born. Regardless of continents, the same color of blood runs through her veins with those of the people she chooses to work with be it in some other part of Asia or in the United States. It does not make her less of a person, in fact it makes her more human. She realizes now that this was a God-given opportunity to choose to be humane as every creation of God needs to get along, to work together for a better world for everyone.

Thanksgiving day for her, Filipino style meant living a life with an attitude of gratitude, thanksgiving - giving thanks, and unlike the Western world that celebrates it for a day, she celebrates it everyday. Her every win and triumph is a testimony of God's hand working in her life, her every failure is a lesson she must learn. Thankful for all of what has been and what will be, she gives thanks with a prayer.

"Dear God,

We all make mistakes. Thank you for your overflowing love and forgiveness. As I face another chapter of my life, please guide me. I can only live my life according to how you want me to. Make use of my gifts, my talents and my skills so I may become who you have intended me to become. Amen."

One small victory, one day at a time...

So the judgment has been passed. I have lost my cause. I wave the white flag in defeat.

Isn't it ironic how I go through life believing that I am a celebration of God's love. As I have learned, just because I have declared it does not necessarily mean that God wants me to celebrate, He is throwing at me ways in which I find celebration in and that's what I must do. I will not allow other people to dictate how I should feel, I will choose how I should feel.

I do not need people reassuring me that I am right. I feel in my heart, I am. I do not need people surrounding me and glorifying me or sympathizing or empathizing with what I feel. At the end of the day, it's going to be me who will go through how I have lived the life I was entrusted to live. The number of friends surrounding me and rooting for me is not as important as me cheering on for myself that I can take on whatever life offers me. The number of friends who believe me are but relationships that were given to me know that I am not alone, but their truths will never be the same as mine as they go through their own personal battles. I go through my own with faith in my heart that I can survive my challenges as they will for as long as the intentions are true and genuine.

I will not look for proof to make people see that I am right, I can only have my own truths and my own values to stand up for. The proof is right before my eyes, I have myself and my integrity, I can say, I will win one small victory one day at a time.

Given the choice to hate, I choose to love from a distance. I choose to be humbled by a loss, but with a lesson learned. Another minute wasted on despair is another missed opportunity to be great. I choose to be great. I choose to live my life with dignity and with integrity. I know my truths, I stand on my values. I care about who I am and what I stand for to see that resentment can only hurt me more than it will hurt those who continue to torment me. I am responsible with what I do to my own life and I choose to bless those who continue to point blaming fingers at me. I love the life I live and I choose to celebrate my life with love and the anticipation of another battle won tomorrow. God knows what is best for me and I allow Him to take me by the hand to show me what I must learn. I know that learning entails me being hurt, shedding a tear or two and accepting my own mistakes, but I choose not to despair because it is my birth right to be happy and successful.

The judgment has been passed. I have lost my cause. I wave the white flag in defeat for now as I see another opportunity to learn and stand up again. I see myself taking one small step at a time. I see myself standing up again with integrity and with dignity. I see myself winning one small victory at a time. I see myself alive and forgiving.

The judgement has been passed. I have lost my cause, but every defeat is an opportunity to rise again. In my case, my battle was not won in blood shed, I am still alive. My ego hurt, my heart bleeding. But I can heal myself. I can move on again and I choose to do that today, right at this very moment.

The judgement has been passed. It was human judgment. But God is the ultimate Judge. In the eyes of man, I caused much pain. In the laws of man, I have hurt others. But God is not blind, God is not deaf. God knows better and I know that the ultimate judgement will still be passed, not today, not right now.

The judgement is God's to pass.

The judgement is still to come.

Today, I have won my own personal battle. Today, I realized I was unfair to myself for believing myself weak and to be blamed. Today, I win against my own self in a battle that allowed me to feel this pain and this hurt. I choose not to be hurt. I choose not to inflict myself of any more pain. I choose to love. I choose to be happy.

This is my victory today.

What are you willing to lose for a hundred thousand pesos?

She sat dumbfounded as she read the text message that said, "The ruling is in their favor. They are going to be awarded at least a hundred thousand each."

Instead of being angry, she suddenly felt this sadness, not for herself but to that person who now may just be celebrating her victory. In today's time, a hundred thousand meant a second-hand model car or even a down payment for a house. She must really be celebrating now!

In her head, a voice told her, maybe she deserves it. Maybe she needs it.

Walking with leaden feet, what would normally take her five minutes to walk seemed like forever. The road seemed like a labyrinth. She just simply felt lost, but being lost gave her some sense of comfort. It was as if every stranger that looked at her offered more warmth and understanding. She did not feel ignored even though she was walking among throngs of nameless faces she has never seen all her life. But the mere presence of these people walking past her, giving her a nod or just looking at her warmed her and made her realize, she was not alone.

Her heart wondered why she could no longer cry, why she kept saying to herself, "I no longer want to be angry." No tears, not a single tear. She kept repeating to herself, "Is this all worth it for her? Why am I feeling sorry for her when in fact, I had all the reason to be mad and cry out vengeance?"

At the end of what seemed to be an endless walk, she stopped and saw the person who was holding her hand. He had been there all along too. While strangers comforted her, he was there cradling her because he knew her pain. This lifted her spirits. She knew she would see more signs that God had not forsaken her. That her cause did not die in vain.

What is a family's worth? Is the hundred thousand worth losing a sister, a brother, a father and a mother and other relationships? Is the hundred thousand worth it to say that you are right? Is the hundred thousand worth convincing yourself that you were disowned? Was the hundred thousand enough to compensate for a family that is now broken?

They say, the easiest way to understand your adversary is to stand in his or her shoes and not a moment too soon, she realized it was a pair of shoes she did not want to be in. She could easily give that hundred thousand to her for as long as she could keep her life the way it is--a loving family, intelligent kids who listened, an extended family that cared and more importantly, she still had in herself her integrity. She still has in her heart love to give. She still had in her heart comfort to offer those who sought it. That is priceless. She may have to give away that hundred thousand to her but with the hope that she might be able to use it to buy her own happiness.

As for her, she knew her happiness can never be equated with any amount of money in the world.

Her memories of her now will only be fond memories. She will forget all of these hurt and all of these sadness that she has brought upon her for more than a year now. She has said what needed to be said, did what needed to be done. She has forgiven her.

To lose your relationships for a hundred thousand, is it all worth it?

She could only pray for her now. May it be enough for her to buy her happiness.

An Early Christmas Story

She sat there looking at the screen of her laptop as she listened to the Christmas songs he was playing on his computer. It seemed odd that the familiar songs that used to bring a smile to her face in the previous days were the same songs that suddenly made her feel queasy. She had a lump in her throat, tears welling up and her heart suddenly hurt.

He looked at her and asked why and all she could say was, "I remember when we were young. We used to be a happy family. We were poor. We didn't have much, but we were happy." Hoping to ease her aching heart, she chose to go back to the very first Christmas they spent together that she could remember. Even then, it was difficult to remember. How could it be difficult when those times should have been treasured, etched in her memory? At that moment, it was just difficult, almost impossible to remember how merry past Christmases as a child had been. She let off a long sigh and continued doing what already has become habit. Check work, check the kids, check, check, check, check.

She had hoped she could shrug this feeling of emptiness throughout the day. She tried. She wanted to remember something remotely happy of a Christmas in her youth that could bring her whatever it was that resembled a smile, but she simply could not. The more she dug deeper, the lump in her throat felt bigger and bigger it was becoming more difficult to speak. Turning away from curious glances of the familiar faces she used to smile at everyday, she walked past them without a word, without a smile, without any emotion. As if every single happy cell in her body had left her, she walked past people staring at them as though they were strangers, not saying a word, nothing... not even a nod. She simply walked by without acknowledging all the other people who seemed happy and all cheery.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry. She felt the sudden urge to get out and be away from everything she felt comfortable with. Everything, everyone seemed to annoy her. The Christmassy atmosphere irritated her. She felt agitated by the good-natured jokes and the banter. She disliked the echoing laughter. She wanted to be invisible just for now, just for today.

By nightfall, not even the familiar faces and warm hugs that used to comfort her did not do their magic. Even after a moment of prayer, she could not feel the cold and heavy curtain lift. She simply felt empty and sad.

Everyone had left later that evening. She snapped at her husband who was simply trying to spark up a conversation. She felt guilty, but she had nothing to say to make him feel better. It was as if everything good and beautiful inside of her simply vanished. She was just glad this day was over.

In the silence of the night, she retraced the events of the day. A good morning hug, a son's excellent grades, the baby girl growing a new tooth. By noon, a hearty brunch with a loving nephew and quality time driving with the hubby. Getting back to the office, people happily decorating their assigned areas, a good and warm talk with the boss with the hope that she was feeling better. By the afternoon, a friend cooking an early dinner for them and then friends who came by to visit and exchange their day's wins... and then that wonderful thought that Christmas this year would be with the parents and a brother who still cared.

She did not need a memory of the past to keep her and make her happy. She had this Christmas to create a memory that will make her happy. Happiness is a choice and just because some people close to home continued to ignore her for one reason or the other, this should not be a reason for her to forget and ignore them too. Though a memory seemed difficult to find for now, it is enough knowing that she has all of their faces in her heart and in her head, smiling at her. Regardless of the reality that they now did not even talk nor recognize their relationship with her, what really matters is her acknowledging that she still has family no matter how far they are, no matter how difficult their relationships may be. Through all the heartaches and through all the pain throughout the years, they were still family and she could never ever change that fact.

There will be another time for them to come together and celebrate. To come together and remember that they were still a family. A spark of hope grew in her heart.

And just like that, she smiled.

Of letting go and letting God.

I just have to let it out. Otherwise, I'd be as pissed and as bitter as those who choose to be angry and dissatisfied. Well, I choose to vent, say what I feel and then let go.

Surrounded by negativity, do I choose to go with the flow or just embrace the fact that there is a silver lining in the clouds?

A person cannot accept mistake, another who believes that she is better than the rest of the world, and yet another who feels that just because a correction was made makes her or him deprived him or her of his right to do as he or she pleases? These are just a few of what I have read, felt and seen that seems to be attacking me today. It is simply not paranoia, but at one point in my life, I was the person who cannot accept my mistakes, that I believed that I was better than the rest of the world and that when I was corrected, I felt my freedom curtailed. At one point in time, I was all three and yes, I know how it feels to be judged and misjudged.

Letting go did not mean however that I allowed these things to consume me in anger and disturb my own beliefs. In those moments when I felt that I was at the other side of what we believe is right, I felt as though I could do nothing right, that I was not worthy. And yes, it is my right to feel that way, but it is also my right to rise above these feelings and see what is right in front of me.

A mistake allows me to see that I can do better. Being wrong told me that I could be right too, in the right time and with the right purpose. When a correction was made, it was my opportunity to change how I used to do things because my old ways were no longer applicable. But to do this, I had to stand my ground and allow these things to happen so that I could see where I could improve. No one lives by anybody's expectations, but his or her own, but there is nothing wrong and listening to the reasons why what we do now is no longer acceptable.

I have learned through my experience of others that I cannot make them see it my way if I do not allow them to let me see their way. And yes, they may be angry and resentful now, I would too, but my hope is that they see that we are bound by rules that allows us to function in a relationship that takes accountability and responsibility to heart.

I have seen the silver lining in the clouds. I have seen the real colors of those that surround me. I see my color when I am hurt with the hope that they see it too. I am not perfect, no one of us are. When we feel and think that we know all the answers to life's ultimate questions, then what is the point of living? I cannot hope for people when they have lost their own capacity to hope and dream. I cannot love others who cannot love themselves. I cannot show patience for those who cannot stay in one place. I cannot see a future when they only see regret.

My truth may not necessarily be their truth, but by God, I pray they see their truth so they do not live believing that all of life's lessons can be given to them served on a silver platter.

At the end of the day, I live with a clear conscience, I have not judged as they have judged me. I have not set expectations of them as they have made of me. I am what I believe is right and true. I can only only give what I have.

I now let go... I now let God...