My Little Warrior...

For this week, barely it being over has been a test of compassion and patience.

When you are a parent like me, you will do the impossible to shelter your children from the hurt and disappointment and yet, you become witness to the same hurt and disappointment you have avoided them to experience.

The funny thing is, I have learned and continue to learn from my children's wisdom.

Just as I was feeling overly bitter from the callousness of adults and their utter disregard for the efforts of the last few weeks, my daughter prances and dances around wearing her sash and repeatedly says, "This is the best day ever."

Her brothers and sisters including me, her papa and her Mama Pooh watch her celebrate her success. After all, all the attention in the house was with her for the last couple of weeks. She knew her clothes were lovingly prepared, every inch of it, every stitch of it.

She knew her talent was a celebration of what her heart is filled with the most and she knew, she was doing this because she wanted to make us proud and most especially to praise God and make Him proud.

When asked what she would like to be in the future, she said she wanted to be a zoo keeper. Not a lot of people understand why, but we do.

At five, she had helped her Papa take care of puppies when our Basset hound gave birth to seven puppies she named one by one. She has cried over her first kitten Angela when we came home one afternoon and finding the cat was let out and the dogs unfortunately played with it and unintentionally killed it.

Only we know how she has named the brown birds Stephanie and says hi to each brown bird each time she sees them in the backyard like a familiar friend. Only we know she has a cat named Ginger and a dog she calls Snorkel. She hugs Ginger every chance she gets even though we have told her countless times no because of her asthma. She worries about our dogs when it rains. She has chicken, ducks, geese and turkeys in our little parcel of land in La Union and even has her own little bahay kubo.

I guess, that says a lot why she wants to be a zoo keeper someday.

Oh did I mention she loves ponies?

My heart broke yesterday, but she managed to pick up the pieces and made it whole again. I have higher respect for her now. At seven, she taught me, the show must go on no matter what, no matter who stands in the way between my dreams and me, I have to keep pushing on and not have to listen to what others have to say about me. They don't know me. They have not worn my shoes nor walked the road I have walked and continue to walk.

She taught me to have fun again and to be grateful for everyone who is part of my life and those who choose to be part of it up until today.

I feel that we are raising a good child, a good daughter. She appreciates her gifts.

I am grateful for life's little disappointments. They make me see that there truly is a rainbow after the rain.

Someday, she will fight her own battles, but I am not scared for her anymore. Her optimism will shine through. Her courage will keep her from quitting, she will continue moving forward. She is, named after the goddess of war after all.

And of course, I will be beside her all the time, her whole family will be behind her all the way.

Sometimes, I feel I am not allowed to say what I feel, give my opinion or shout out what I need to shout out. Maybe it is because I am so scared now of being judged as I have been in the not so remote past. I have downsized my friends list leaving only family and close friends, and yet, I feel so stigmatized by what has happened to me that even choosing to write this now makes me a little scared that I might be judged and called names again.

I never said I was perfect. I never said I did everything right. But in the length of the time that I shared my life, in the end, I was betrayed, called names and accused.

It is sad.

Too many people I trusted blindly because I had assumed that because of the so called personality development seminars I have heard and seen them go through, they would have embraced the NO JONES attitude, and yet, here I am unsure anymore who to trust and who to run to just for anything.

My heart breaks now each time I go back to where I have been and realize how I have been had, how my vulnerability was taken advantaged of. I sometimes now say to myself, I am going to be more ruthless. I am going to... I have to.

Today, my life begins..... again.

The same time last year, I vowed to myself, I was not going to stay on another year with a job that did not allow me to be who I really want to be.  About the same time last year, I promised myself that I would break free from the four walls of an office that imprisoned the very core of my being and give every ounce of my energy to finding myself once again.

Two weeks ago, I finally mustered enough courage and said, "Enough is enough."  And so just like that, I quit. I walked away and have not looked back ever since.

Quitting that job that has kept me prisoner for eight years has been one of the best decisions I have ever made.  (First best decision of course was saying yes to getting married to my best friend.)  As one close friend told me, it was indeed a true choice.

So two weeks have passed and I am ready now to face my life again.

Two weeks was enough time for me to wallow in pain at how people judged me, denied me, used me and abused me.  That was enough time for me to see through the many people who said they would help me out in my time of need.

The last two weeks of my silence has made me see through the blanket of doubt that surrounded me.  Who could I trust?  Who could I turn to?

I faced myself in the mirror and saw only me, and then my husband, and then my family, my children and finally, a soft rain in the early morning told me, there was my God.

Two weeks was enough for me to practice dying.  The corporate me has died and I rise again as that person who God has always wanted me to be - a simple, fun-loving and free-spirited me that enjoy the simple things in life.  The child He gave life to so that I can inspire, love and care for those that really matter the most.

Two weeks was enough time for me to bury all the anger, all the pain and all the hurt that was only caused by me and my choices.

Today, my life begins again.

I so know that the doors of opportunity have opened up again.

I choose now to keep my life on track with God.  I choose to enjoy the bliss of the simple things that make me smile and laugh.  I choose to be grateful at this nth chance to be better, to do better.

Today, my now, I choose to move forward, one step at a time.

I have fallen and today,  I rise again.

Looking back, but moving forward.

There are so many people I miss right now and so many things I miss doing... It doesn't mean though that I regret anything.  I'm just nostalgic.

There are things to look forward too... So many possibilities, infinite bounties and endless opportunities... 

Maybe this is what it means to take that leap of faith... I am taking that leap into the unknown with faith that there is something out there I still need to feel, to experience, to taste, to take hold of.  

I guess I miss the people I so miss right now because I want to take every memory of them with me, just because I can never be who I am today if I had not met them and had shared a piece of me with them in the past.  I guess I miss doing the things I used to do now because I know I can do them again when I choose to when I get to that dream I am starting to work on.

There are times when one needs to say, enough is enough.  When the only way for others to see who I was is to see what I can be and what I will be.  It does not mean I gave up on them, it just means I do not want to give up on me, my life, my dreams and what makes me happy.

Walking away does not mean I do not care, it just means, I do not have to lose myself in all of the complexities of other people's lives, mine is already complex and challenging.  I can't carry another person's burden, I can only carry mine.  That is my choice and that is not being selfish.

I am glad though that I feel what I feel today.  Someday, it might hit me again and I will always remember that I am never going to be the same person again.  Nostalgic perhaps, but just like today, just grateful that I still can choose who I want to be according to my own terms.

Papa's Little Girl.

He scooped me in his arms and he took out his slippers. He put me on his lap and slapped the slippers on my bottom. In his booming voice, he said, "Don't ever go out of the house without my permission." And then after that, he lifted me up and hugged me tight. I was crying and squirming from him. But he did not let me go. When I looked at his face after I had calmed down. I saw tears running down his face. I was 9 years old.

6:45 in the morning, he called to me to ask if I was ready for school. I told him, I was okay. He handed me my daily allowance with a little extra and whispered to me, "Don't tell your mama I gave you extra." I smiled at him and nodded to him yes. As we sat in the jeep, I saw a classmate waiting for a ride and as the jeep stopped, I took out my hand from my Papa's hand and I started rummaging through my book bag as if I was looking for something. My classmate sat next to me and greeted me hi. My papa looked at this boy and nudged me. I smiled back at my papa. As the jeep pulled over to where my school was, my papa gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and reminded me to be home by 5. I said yes. As we got off the jeep, he waved and I started walking towards school with my classmate. He said, "You're a papa's girl," and started laughing. I walked on. I was 14.

One night, he came to my room. I had just wiped my tears out of my face after a dreaded phone call. He stood at my door and looked at me, took two steps to where I was sitted and hugged me. He said, "If you're pregnant, you'll have to choose to either continue school if you still can or stop for a while and then after you give birth, you can continue to go to school and graduate. Mama and I will take care of the baby while you continue on." I could not speak. He knew right away what was my challenge at that time. I simply hugged him and with a straight face, I said to him, "I won't stop going to school. I will finish on time. I will make you proud, Papa." I was 21.

Don was waiting in front of the altar. I was dressed in my off white wedding gown. My mom on my left side clutching on to my arms. He was on my right. I held his hand. It was cold and shaking. I took a look at his face as the bridal march started to play. I looked at him and saw his eyes welling with tears. I pulled both of them closer to me as we started to walk down the church aisle. I was 29.

Papa Lakay as we fondly call him has always been there for me. He has always encouraged me to always be my best and hugged me close to him when I failed. He has taken cared of my son while I was out in school and eventually, until I graduated and found work. He was always ready to come to my rescue when I found myself in compromising situations even when I was already an adult.

I feel blessed to have my dad be there for me during the most important times of my life. Up until now, he always gives me his two-cent's worth of advice. I still ask him for his thoughts when I make certain decisions and his suggestions has never failed me. We have had disagreements in the past, sometimes to the point where he would burst out in anger because of my reasons, but in the end, he would understand my decisions and still accept them. He would always make a way for everything to be alright.

I have seen how my Papa loved us and especially how he has taken cared of my Mama. Regardless of my complaints at the things he might not have done or what he might have said in the past, I have realized that he did not fail in raising me as a daughter. Part of who I am, I give credit to my Papa. I am who I am because of what I was taught by him. I learned from him integrity. I learned from him responsibility. I learned from him love. I learned from him compassion. Papa also took risks for me and made choices, some of them may not be in the approval of others, but always, he thought for as long as it was better for me, then he would go ahead and defy what others thought and do what was best.

I believe in God as my Heavenly Father and the reason I know He exists is because He is in the person of my Papa.

I love you, Papa. Happy Father's Day.

You never really know what you've got until you lose it.

She chooses to remain firm on her decision to cut off all communication with the people she used to call family and friends. She insists on saying that she does not owe anyone for the success she has in life, for the wealth that she possesses and for the social class of society she belongs to today. She has chosen to turn her back on her past believing that her past did not contribute to who she is today. She lives on her own rules, her principles and her truths. She is who she is because of what she has done for herself. It was her choice, it was always her choice.

She is powerful. She is intelligent. She has everything material. She has everything she could possibly want -- all the glitter, all the gold... everything. She said to herself, "These are mine because I chose to live according to my terms. These are mine and no one can ever take them away from me. I am happy. I am complete."

Now, as she takes a leisurely walk in the park, she is awed by the beautiful sunset. Everything around her seems so perfect. The flowers were now in full bloom. Spring was here. Children were running around and laughing, couples on picnic tables were chatting, while many just like her were happy idly sitting down on park benches seemingly to just pass the time until it was time to go home.

She sat down on one of the empty benches. She looked at her watch and realized it was almost time to go. She took another deep breath and decided, another ten minutes. But she grew impatient, and just as soon as she saw a couple of people started packing their things. She stood up and headed towards the busy street.

Walking home, she realized she needed a few things from the convenience store. Milk for tomorrow, coffee, some muffins for breakfast, soap and detergent. She needed to do some washing in the morning to prepare for Monday's work. She could not help but overhear a young family behind her in the counter as she paid her bill. The dad was talking to the mom about the baby's needs. The cute little baby was happily playing with a tissue roll in the cart that contained a few items, some cereal and some fruit. The eldest's son school fees was due in the next two weeks. a daughter was still in the hospital, late diagnosis of leukemia. She did not have much time. On hearing this, she frowned. Poor family, she thought. Some people just can't have it all. She smiled to herself. "I'm glad I'm not in their shoes," she muttered to herself. She snapped at the cashier for taking so much time in checking out her credit card. The poor girl, frightened, hands shaking handed her the card and told her it was okay. She flashed dagger looks and stormed off. How incompetent, she thought.

As she opened the door to her posh apartment. She started calling out names. First her husband's name, then her son's name and finally, her daughter's name. There was silence. She called out again. Still, there was no answer. And in that moment, it hit her. As she rushed into their bedroom, she saw the closet doors wide open, no more contents. Everything was gone. She ran to her children's bedroom and everything was gone, even the toys she had given them for Christmas.

And then she remembered...

That morning, her husband and her were arguing about bank accounts being closed out without her knowledge. And then the litany of what she had done for them, for everything that she had provided for them. She started throwing things at him. She hit her with a coffee mug. He was bleeding and then he said it, "I am going to leave you. I am taking the kids with me. You never have time for us anymore." The children looked at her and with tears in their eyes, frightened from what they had seen and heard, ran to their father and both of them held on to him so tight. And then, in anger, she cried out, "Then leave. You will never get anything from me. Everything is mine. You can take the children. I do not care. You walk out that door, don't you ever come back." And then, she stormed off the apartment and decided to take a walk.

She had everything, but now, she has nothing.

Be...

There is a verse in the Bible that I have learned to tell myself when I find myself in the middle of so much chaos, too much noise, too much uncertainty and doubt. When I first heard it from a friend, I thought, I'm going to try it soon. Soon indeed happened today.

Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." At first read, I thought it was just a sentence that exalts God and recognizing Him as my Higher Power. I realized that there was more to it than that.

Counting from one to ten when I got so irritated today, I started thinking about it and started saying it over and over and then from the end, I started taking one word out from the sentence, at a time. As if in a trance, I found myself more relaxed, more at ease and less stressed.

Be still and know that I am God...

Be still and know that I am...

Be still and know that I...

Be still and know that...

Be still and know...

Be still and...

Be still...

Be...

I realized after that that there was so much that had accomplished saying this to myself until I was calm and ready to face another set of challenge that will come my way. I was able to exalt my God, my Lord, my Father. I put myself in a very quiet place and saw the things that can change my disposition from frustrated to hopeful, from sad to happy, from wanting to contented. I felt that I could accomplish things. I felt the peace of mind I so deign in a noisy world such as ours and then finally, I saw and I felt that I can do things for as long as I put my heart and my soul into it.

Some days, I know I will still get angry and frustrated, but at least now, I know how to shoo away anger and start being hopeful again... at least just so I can get moving again. There are other ways of moving out from a space of stress and intense emotions and this is just one of them. A prayer, words that soothe and calm you down, a reminder to one's self of his or her worth, and telling yourself you can do it whatever it is that you put your mind into -- what else can go wrong?

practicing forgiveness...

Every day, I go through situations that test my patience. I meet people who raise their eyebrows when they listen to my ideals and my principles. I experience people who insist on what they want without compromise and who believe that they are always better than me. I have, however, learned that we were all made different and as such, I cannot insist on what I want as well. I can only express how I feel and how I want things done, but at the end of each day, it's all about listening what can work better and what will work best.

At each time, I remember what I have heard so many times from people, who just like me, want to make life work 100% and that is to negotiate, to shift and to have no judgments, opinions and expectations of others; that there are things that happen that I have no control of and that I can only control what I feel and how I may react. It may sound like I am a martyr, but it is in choosing to control my own emotions and feelings that I am able to reach out and communicate when I need to negotiate with people who may be hard and difficult, closed-minded and angry with pride.

I practice the art of forgiveness in whatever way I can. I believe that all of us were created to be great, to be excellent and that we all have purpose. Every single person that we meet, though they may test our patience, our understanding and our capacity to forgive, we come across each of these so that we may learn what living is all about. We go through hurdles everyday, but it is up to us to choose to see what is beautiful and what is wonderful. To see behind the dark clouds of despair, frustration and doubt is a feat, but it can be done, to me, to go through life, it must be done.

Practicing forgiveness is not just about our relationship with other people. More importantly, it is forgiving ourselves for choices that we make at the end of every day. For whatever we think, say and do, we are responsible for these that we create. Practicing forgiveness is about doing everything humanly possible so that we can accept ourselves and in this acceptance of who we are, we learn to accept others for what they are and what they believe in.

We get hurt, we cry in pain, we writhe in frustration and desperation, but yet, when all tears have been shed, our lives must go on. We must move forward with dignity, integrity and commitment to what matters and what is important.

To practice forgiveness, we must begin with ourselves, only then can we move forward.

Thanksgiving - Filipino style.

In the last week, her values were questioned, her intentions mocked, her dignity lambasted publicly. She did not retaliate, instead she remained still.

Humbled by this experience, she prays and blesses those who consider her as a nemesis. Amidst all the stones cast her way, she prays for their peace as she has found hers. She feels for those who consider her as an adversary. She knows that they deserve something good in their lives too. Maybe these people were bitter because life had been bitter to them. It was their choice to feel that way, but maybe someday, something would remind them that life only treats them harshly because they treat life unfairly too.

The law of karma - what comes around, goes around. All faiths believe that what you give, you shall receive. You do unto others what others want them to do unto you. What you sow, you shall reap.

She was insulted. They feasted around her choice to be quiet despite their mocking and insinuations that she had forgotten where she had come from. But she realized that her decision to stay mum and not retaliate was the best decision she had made. Reality is, there will be people who will never understand her. There will be those who will throw accusations at her. Reality is, there will always be people who share different ideas with her. Reality is, everyone goes through the same challenge everyday of their lives. Reality is, even her detractors feel the same way at certain moments of their lives. Reality is, she was not put on this earth to live up to other's expectations, she only had to live up to her own and live life according to how God wanted her to live it.

This all came around when all of the Western world celebrates their Thanksgiving.

Filipinos don't necessarily celebrate it as elaborately as the other part of the world does, but one thing is for sure, she knows that today too is a moment of thanksgiving. And indeed a time to be grateful. She believes that that is what it truly means, to be thankful, to live a life with an attitude of gratitude. Today was a day to look back at the bounty, the blessings and the wonderful life God has given each one of us to live. No matter where you are, no matter what race, no matter what color, today is truly a time to celebrate God's goodness and compassion.

She realizes that though her reality allows her to interact with people in that part of the world, this does not make her any less of the person she was born. Regardless of continents, the same color of blood runs through her veins with those of the people she chooses to work with be it in some other part of Asia or in the United States. It does not make her less of a person, in fact it makes her more human. She realizes now that this was a God-given opportunity to choose to be humane as every creation of God needs to get along, to work together for a better world for everyone.

Thanksgiving day for her, Filipino style meant living a life with an attitude of gratitude, thanksgiving - giving thanks, and unlike the Western world that celebrates it for a day, she celebrates it everyday. Her every win and triumph is a testimony of God's hand working in her life, her every failure is a lesson she must learn. Thankful for all of what has been and what will be, she gives thanks with a prayer.

"Dear God,

We all make mistakes. Thank you for your overflowing love and forgiveness. As I face another chapter of my life, please guide me. I can only live my life according to how you want me to. Make use of my gifts, my talents and my skills so I may become who you have intended me to become. Amen."

One small victory, one day at a time...

So the judgment has been passed. I have lost my cause. I wave the white flag in defeat.

Isn't it ironic how I go through life believing that I am a celebration of God's love. As I have learned, just because I have declared it does not necessarily mean that God wants me to celebrate, He is throwing at me ways in which I find celebration in and that's what I must do. I will not allow other people to dictate how I should feel, I will choose how I should feel.

I do not need people reassuring me that I am right. I feel in my heart, I am. I do not need people surrounding me and glorifying me or sympathizing or empathizing with what I feel. At the end of the day, it's going to be me who will go through how I have lived the life I was entrusted to live. The number of friends surrounding me and rooting for me is not as important as me cheering on for myself that I can take on whatever life offers me. The number of friends who believe me are but relationships that were given to me know that I am not alone, but their truths will never be the same as mine as they go through their own personal battles. I go through my own with faith in my heart that I can survive my challenges as they will for as long as the intentions are true and genuine.

I will not look for proof to make people see that I am right, I can only have my own truths and my own values to stand up for. The proof is right before my eyes, I have myself and my integrity, I can say, I will win one small victory one day at a time.

Given the choice to hate, I choose to love from a distance. I choose to be humbled by a loss, but with a lesson learned. Another minute wasted on despair is another missed opportunity to be great. I choose to be great. I choose to live my life with dignity and with integrity. I know my truths, I stand on my values. I care about who I am and what I stand for to see that resentment can only hurt me more than it will hurt those who continue to torment me. I am responsible with what I do to my own life and I choose to bless those who continue to point blaming fingers at me. I love the life I live and I choose to celebrate my life with love and the anticipation of another battle won tomorrow. God knows what is best for me and I allow Him to take me by the hand to show me what I must learn. I know that learning entails me being hurt, shedding a tear or two and accepting my own mistakes, but I choose not to despair because it is my birth right to be happy and successful.

The judgment has been passed. I have lost my cause. I wave the white flag in defeat for now as I see another opportunity to learn and stand up again. I see myself taking one small step at a time. I see myself standing up again with integrity and with dignity. I see myself winning one small victory at a time. I see myself alive and forgiving.

The judgement has been passed. I have lost my cause, but every defeat is an opportunity to rise again. In my case, my battle was not won in blood shed, I am still alive. My ego hurt, my heart bleeding. But I can heal myself. I can move on again and I choose to do that today, right at this very moment.

The judgement has been passed. It was human judgment. But God is the ultimate Judge. In the eyes of man, I caused much pain. In the laws of man, I have hurt others. But God is not blind, God is not deaf. God knows better and I know that the ultimate judgement will still be passed, not today, not right now.

The judgement is God's to pass.

The judgement is still to come.

Today, I have won my own personal battle. Today, I realized I was unfair to myself for believing myself weak and to be blamed. Today, I win against my own self in a battle that allowed me to feel this pain and this hurt. I choose not to be hurt. I choose not to inflict myself of any more pain. I choose to love. I choose to be happy.

This is my victory today.

What are you willing to lose for a hundred thousand pesos?

She sat dumbfounded as she read the text message that said, "The ruling is in their favor. They are going to be awarded at least a hundred thousand each."

Instead of being angry, she suddenly felt this sadness, not for herself but to that person who now may just be celebrating her victory. In today's time, a hundred thousand meant a second-hand model car or even a down payment for a house. She must really be celebrating now!

In her head, a voice told her, maybe she deserves it. Maybe she needs it.

Walking with leaden feet, what would normally take her five minutes to walk seemed like forever. The road seemed like a labyrinth. She just simply felt lost, but being lost gave her some sense of comfort. It was as if every stranger that looked at her offered more warmth and understanding. She did not feel ignored even though she was walking among throngs of nameless faces she has never seen all her life. But the mere presence of these people walking past her, giving her a nod or just looking at her warmed her and made her realize, she was not alone.

Her heart wondered why she could no longer cry, why she kept saying to herself, "I no longer want to be angry." No tears, not a single tear. She kept repeating to herself, "Is this all worth it for her? Why am I feeling sorry for her when in fact, I had all the reason to be mad and cry out vengeance?"

At the end of what seemed to be an endless walk, she stopped and saw the person who was holding her hand. He had been there all along too. While strangers comforted her, he was there cradling her because he knew her pain. This lifted her spirits. She knew she would see more signs that God had not forsaken her. That her cause did not die in vain.

What is a family's worth? Is the hundred thousand worth losing a sister, a brother, a father and a mother and other relationships? Is the hundred thousand worth it to say that you are right? Is the hundred thousand worth convincing yourself that you were disowned? Was the hundred thousand enough to compensate for a family that is now broken?

They say, the easiest way to understand your adversary is to stand in his or her shoes and not a moment too soon, she realized it was a pair of shoes she did not want to be in. She could easily give that hundred thousand to her for as long as she could keep her life the way it is--a loving family, intelligent kids who listened, an extended family that cared and more importantly, she still had in herself her integrity. She still has in her heart love to give. She still had in her heart comfort to offer those who sought it. That is priceless. She may have to give away that hundred thousand to her but with the hope that she might be able to use it to buy her own happiness.

As for her, she knew her happiness can never be equated with any amount of money in the world.

Her memories of her now will only be fond memories. She will forget all of these hurt and all of these sadness that she has brought upon her for more than a year now. She has said what needed to be said, did what needed to be done. She has forgiven her.

To lose your relationships for a hundred thousand, is it all worth it?

She could only pray for her now. May it be enough for her to buy her happiness.

An Early Christmas Story

She sat there looking at the screen of her laptop as she listened to the Christmas songs he was playing on his computer. It seemed odd that the familiar songs that used to bring a smile to her face in the previous days were the same songs that suddenly made her feel queasy. She had a lump in her throat, tears welling up and her heart suddenly hurt.

He looked at her and asked why and all she could say was, "I remember when we were young. We used to be a happy family. We were poor. We didn't have much, but we were happy." Hoping to ease her aching heart, she chose to go back to the very first Christmas they spent together that she could remember. Even then, it was difficult to remember. How could it be difficult when those times should have been treasured, etched in her memory? At that moment, it was just difficult, almost impossible to remember how merry past Christmases as a child had been. She let off a long sigh and continued doing what already has become habit. Check work, check the kids, check, check, check, check.

She had hoped she could shrug this feeling of emptiness throughout the day. She tried. She wanted to remember something remotely happy of a Christmas in her youth that could bring her whatever it was that resembled a smile, but she simply could not. The more she dug deeper, the lump in her throat felt bigger and bigger it was becoming more difficult to speak. Turning away from curious glances of the familiar faces she used to smile at everyday, she walked past them without a word, without a smile, without any emotion. As if every single happy cell in her body had left her, she walked past people staring at them as though they were strangers, not saying a word, nothing... not even a nod. She simply walked by without acknowledging all the other people who seemed happy and all cheery.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry. She felt the sudden urge to get out and be away from everything she felt comfortable with. Everything, everyone seemed to annoy her. The Christmassy atmosphere irritated her. She felt agitated by the good-natured jokes and the banter. She disliked the echoing laughter. She wanted to be invisible just for now, just for today.

By nightfall, not even the familiar faces and warm hugs that used to comfort her did not do their magic. Even after a moment of prayer, she could not feel the cold and heavy curtain lift. She simply felt empty and sad.

Everyone had left later that evening. She snapped at her husband who was simply trying to spark up a conversation. She felt guilty, but she had nothing to say to make him feel better. It was as if everything good and beautiful inside of her simply vanished. She was just glad this day was over.

In the silence of the night, she retraced the events of the day. A good morning hug, a son's excellent grades, the baby girl growing a new tooth. By noon, a hearty brunch with a loving nephew and quality time driving with the hubby. Getting back to the office, people happily decorating their assigned areas, a good and warm talk with the boss with the hope that she was feeling better. By the afternoon, a friend cooking an early dinner for them and then friends who came by to visit and exchange their day's wins... and then that wonderful thought that Christmas this year would be with the parents and a brother who still cared.

She did not need a memory of the past to keep her and make her happy. She had this Christmas to create a memory that will make her happy. Happiness is a choice and just because some people close to home continued to ignore her for one reason or the other, this should not be a reason for her to forget and ignore them too. Though a memory seemed difficult to find for now, it is enough knowing that she has all of their faces in her heart and in her head, smiling at her. Regardless of the reality that they now did not even talk nor recognize their relationship with her, what really matters is her acknowledging that she still has family no matter how far they are, no matter how difficult their relationships may be. Through all the heartaches and through all the pain throughout the years, they were still family and she could never ever change that fact.

There will be another time for them to come together and celebrate. To come together and remember that they were still a family. A spark of hope grew in her heart.

And just like that, she smiled.

Of letting go and letting God.

I just have to let it out. Otherwise, I'd be as pissed and as bitter as those who choose to be angry and dissatisfied. Well, I choose to vent, say what I feel and then let go.

Surrounded by negativity, do I choose to go with the flow or just embrace the fact that there is a silver lining in the clouds?

A person cannot accept mistake, another who believes that she is better than the rest of the world, and yet another who feels that just because a correction was made makes her or him deprived him or her of his right to do as he or she pleases? These are just a few of what I have read, felt and seen that seems to be attacking me today. It is simply not paranoia, but at one point in my life, I was the person who cannot accept my mistakes, that I believed that I was better than the rest of the world and that when I was corrected, I felt my freedom curtailed. At one point in time, I was all three and yes, I know how it feels to be judged and misjudged.

Letting go did not mean however that I allowed these things to consume me in anger and disturb my own beliefs. In those moments when I felt that I was at the other side of what we believe is right, I felt as though I could do nothing right, that I was not worthy. And yes, it is my right to feel that way, but it is also my right to rise above these feelings and see what is right in front of me.

A mistake allows me to see that I can do better. Being wrong told me that I could be right too, in the right time and with the right purpose. When a correction was made, it was my opportunity to change how I used to do things because my old ways were no longer applicable. But to do this, I had to stand my ground and allow these things to happen so that I could see where I could improve. No one lives by anybody's expectations, but his or her own, but there is nothing wrong and listening to the reasons why what we do now is no longer acceptable.

I have learned through my experience of others that I cannot make them see it my way if I do not allow them to let me see their way. And yes, they may be angry and resentful now, I would too, but my hope is that they see that we are bound by rules that allows us to function in a relationship that takes accountability and responsibility to heart.

I have seen the silver lining in the clouds. I have seen the real colors of those that surround me. I see my color when I am hurt with the hope that they see it too. I am not perfect, no one of us are. When we feel and think that we know all the answers to life's ultimate questions, then what is the point of living? I cannot hope for people when they have lost their own capacity to hope and dream. I cannot love others who cannot love themselves. I cannot show patience for those who cannot stay in one place. I cannot see a future when they only see regret.

My truth may not necessarily be their truth, but by God, I pray they see their truth so they do not live believing that all of life's lessons can be given to them served on a silver platter.

At the end of the day, I live with a clear conscience, I have not judged as they have judged me. I have not set expectations of them as they have made of me. I am what I believe is right and true. I can only only give what I have.

I now let go... I now let God...

An experience of unconditional love... and fighting off monsters in our head.

She held his left hand while his right hand took chips from the bowl and he put them in her mouth carefully so they wouldn't fall on her lap. He took a napkin and wiped her mouth as she chewed on the chips. She gazed into his eyes as he squeezed her hand asking her if she wanted to get some rest. She didn't say a word, but he knew she wanted to sit down and watch while the strangers talked and laughed with just the look of her eyes. He would laugh with them too and he would tell them stories about where they were and how life had been. She could only gaze at the strangers' faces. She could only listen to them. She wanted to say so much, but did not know how. She simply reached out with her other hand the hand of the other person sitting next to her without really letting go of his hand on the other. She stood up and pulled him with her. She walked towards the kitchen while he followed her there, still hands locked. He led her back to the comfortable sofa where the visitors were and as one of them reached out her hand to her, she held on tightly. He smiled at her, she looked at him. He smiles, pushes back her hair and tells her everything is okay.

For four years, this had been their life. She had never really said anything, except on some instances where she would suddenly blurt out a word or two and then nothing again. Sometimes she would laugh. Sometimes she would smile. Her beautiful face has not aged one bit, but in her mind probably are so many images and thoughts swirling about, so many things to say, she just probably didn't know how to.

That was my experience today. I saw unconditional love. I felt unconditional love.

On our way home, I could not help but say a prayer of gratitude for the things that I have--the ability to speak my mind, the capacity to write about what I feel. I felt the urgency to say "I love you" to my kids and my husband. I said a prayer in my head for the safety and health of my loved ones, my parents and my siblings. I whispered to God, "Lord, please keep me strong and healthy. I know you have plans for me. I know now why you continue to make me feel these feelings, why you lead me to people and why you give me these experiences. Thank you."

I am grateful for what I have and I was inspired to continue on to my dream of inspiring others and remind them that they are excellent and beautiful creations of God, to not waste every bit of skill and talent that was innately given to them to change their lives for the better. Today has inspired me to continue on telling others that we all live for a purpose and reason. Today reminded me that no challenge is given if He knew we could not bear it. Today, I felt how blessed I am to have what I have, to be alive and to be who I am.

Why did such a simple experience compel me to write about it? Simply because, I have always searched for some meaning in what I do today. Why do I keep hoping the world is going to change? Why do I keep believing that love still existed? Simply because I know there is still hope. We can still change. Today was an example of unconditional love.

There is a song that is playing in my head right now, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love..." and yes, all the world needs is more love and less hate. If we could just stopped talking for one bit and listened more, held each other's hand and be contented and grateful with what we already have, then life would be so much simpler and less stressful. We go about asking for things we want to have, we complain so much, we expect others to treat us better. Have we ever stopped and checked ourselves if we really deserve these things we want? Did we really do our our part to make things work? Did we respect others? I borrow a line now from her, these are indeed "Monsters in our Head."

I do know that many of us are still of sane mind and with the rationality and logic, we can ward of these monsters and choose to be better. We can all hope to be better. We can do something about our lives so we can find a solution to all of our problems, to satiate our insatiable hunger for knowledge and to quench our thirst for unconditional love if we knew where to look, if we knew what was important in our lives, if we wanted these things for the perfectly right reasons.

I believe she fights off the monsters in her head with a simple squeeze of his hand, with an assuring look that he will be there for her for as long as he can, to love her unconditionally until they grow old or until she relearns to talk again and function independently. I feel that to finally learn what true love really is, we have just got to look in the right places, be sensitive about what others feel and fight off all the monsters in our head.